The Sweater Museum
It was a dark and stormy knight that burst onto the scene at 517 W. Camelot Drive early Thursday morning, wreaking havoc at the Sweater Museum. Mr. James Richards II, also of Camelot Drive, had been practicing sword-fighting in his renaissance-fair costume, that of a black suit-of-arms, when he noticed light in the window of the Sweater Museum. Being a member of the neighborhood watch, and wanting to act quickly, James rush to the scene, where his visor distorted his view and ultimately resulted in $50,000 worth of damage to fully half of the museum.
“I ran over as quickly as my suit would allow,” said Mr. James Richards II, as he unsuccessfully attempted to open his visor. “I must have been quite a sight, with my vintage suit, and I’m certain I could have caught the culprit, if I had not tripped. I keep forgetting to oil the helmet.”
The Camelot Sweater Museum, world-famous for its collection of never-work cardigans and unique Scottish-esque patterns had just received a shipment of priceless sweaters. One Mark Switney, head curator for the Museum indicated that the newly arrived Persian sweaters, over 1000 years old and valued at well over $20, may have been the cause of the attempted theft.
“Yeah, you betcha – we are right proud of our sweater museum,” said Mr. Switney, while sipping from his tea thermos. “We had intended to keep our newest arrivals a secret until they had been professionally appraised, but the destruction … err attention that Mr. Richards has given this museum will push the release of the appraisal, as well as the exhibit, to this coming Monday. We’ve had millions of visitors over the last forty or fifty years. If you’re looking for historical sweater documentation, this would be your best resource! Yah!”
As material damage estimates had rolled in, Mr. Richards was reported as stumbling home, apparently unable to see clearly. His attempts to return home were ultimately thwarted when his suit rusted shut ten feet from his home.
Readers of this newspaper wishing to contact Mr. Richards may send their parcels care of “Mr. James Richards II” at the county hospital. Lawyers seeking to contact Mr. Richards will find him unavailable for comment at this time. And if anyone happens to have a low-grade low-intensity blow-torch, a John Doe at the county hospital would truly appreciate a visit.
“I ran over as quickly as my suit would allow,” said Mr. James Richards II, as he unsuccessfully attempted to open his visor. “I must have been quite a sight, with my vintage suit, and I’m certain I could have caught the culprit, if I had not tripped. I keep forgetting to oil the helmet.”
The Camelot Sweater Museum, world-famous for its collection of never-work cardigans and unique Scottish-esque patterns had just received a shipment of priceless sweaters. One Mark Switney, head curator for the Museum indicated that the newly arrived Persian sweaters, over 1000 years old and valued at well over $20, may have been the cause of the attempted theft.
“Yeah, you betcha – we are right proud of our sweater museum,” said Mr. Switney, while sipping from his tea thermos. “We had intended to keep our newest arrivals a secret until they had been professionally appraised, but the destruction … err attention that Mr. Richards has given this museum will push the release of the appraisal, as well as the exhibit, to this coming Monday. We’ve had millions of visitors over the last forty or fifty years. If you’re looking for historical sweater documentation, this would be your best resource! Yah!”
As material damage estimates had rolled in, Mr. Richards was reported as stumbling home, apparently unable to see clearly. His attempts to return home were ultimately thwarted when his suit rusted shut ten feet from his home.
Readers of this newspaper wishing to contact Mr. Richards may send their parcels care of “Mr. James Richards II” at the county hospital. Lawyers seeking to contact Mr. Richards will find him unavailable for comment at this time. And if anyone happens to have a low-grade low-intensity blow-torch, a John Doe at the county hospital would truly appreciate a visit.
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